Well intended but stupid

Well, last night I had a "first experience". Given that I am feeling so much better, I have been doing lots of work in my backyard. I had already laid 40 "castlerock" blocks and needed 40 more so headed back to Lowes. As I walked through the front door, I noticed two somewhat scruffy looking guys that were standing about 30 feet ahead of me, each holding a box in his arms. As I almost got to them, a clerk yelled "watch those guys", at which point they bolted right past me and out the door. Well....I did what I think most would do. I yelled at them and chased them. (I know...stupid.) I almost caught up to them and actually tried to step on ones's heel. Just outside the door they launched their boxes toward the bed of a parked black pickup and ran by. I thought they were just getting rid of their stuff. That is, until I got next to it and the driver hit the gas and cut me off, momentarily slammed on the brakes, then took off. I stopped and managed to get the license plate as they screeched out of the parking lot.

A number of clerks came out about that time, picked up the box that did not get into the bed of the truck, and asked if I was okay. As I entered Lowe's again, a distinguished looking African American shopper approached me and asked what happened. I told him, at which point he said to me, "you are lucky you did not get shot or stabbed." I know I looked at him like "huh?". I said that it had never occured to me. He then told me that the stuff could be replaced but not me, at which point he walked away.

I proceeded to purchase the blocks I needed about the time manager walked up. Let's just say I got the same scolding from him, a thank you, and further requests to NEVER do that again.

Yep....a first. And a last. Never even thought about getting hurt. I hauled the trailer home with the blocks, backed the trailer into the garage (instead of unloading them), and went in and had a big glass of wine. Jan wasn't too happy with me either!

Well intended, although I really didn't think about it. BUT STUPID.

So much to consider....

For many of us as we have gotten "older", there has been the goal of retiring. Considering words again, what is a goal? Finishing a race we reach the goal, Making a touchdown we finish the play. Working on a project with a deadline (another interesting word) we complete the project. Just maybe retirement is NOT a goal, but a mile marker. It does indeed mark a place in my life that I have been anticipating, planning for. But what is it?

As I get closer to the date - about three months and counting, I am becoming more excited. With so many health issues the last two years, I am beginning to see that "light at the end of the tunnel". No, the light is not an oncoming car headed straight for me, but it is also not the end of the road either. It is a point where I will exit from what has felt like a tunnel where there has been minimal light, a place where the boundaries have been restrictive. Exciting, hopeful, freeing...all these describe some of my feelings.

While there are other, less pleasant feelings - they are few and beginning to recede: The anxiety of walking away from a high paying job - to a limited income. Having a number of ongoing health issues, the fear of not being able to afford the medical insurance. The wish that Jan could retire at the same time and yet knowing that for us to have medical insurance that she needs to work for a while. This one is also receding some as she gets more enthusiastic about the possibility of getting a national position in her professional nurses' organization.

So much to think about... And there is a side of me that is surprised that I am looking forward to doing the house cleaning and the laundry. (I say that now) And even the cooking (say a few prayers for Jan). I am already beginning to collect recipes.

And I know...I KNOW...that the One who has walked with me hand in hand during every stage of my life will continue even as I (We) walk into this new time of my life. Exciting, that's what it is.

Not quite yet...

I am not really retired yet but am doing a lot of playing with the word. Retire - I find the word comforting, scary, and hopeful. As I am within a few months of retiring from my position of thirty-one years as a hospital chaplain, there is a sense that I have reached the goal. But then I realize that it is not “the” goal, but “a” goal… a milepost on a long journey.

As this brain of mine works at this point in time, I went to the internet to look for a definition. I found that the word retire seems to have begun in France around the 1530’s when it was used as an army retreats or withdraws.  Another wrote in 1538 "to withdraw to some place for the sake of seclusion". In 1648 it was used to describe leaving an occupation.  Other meanings early on have been "to leave company and go to bed" (1670) or in baseball "to put out" (1874). According to one source, the word “retiree” does not show up in the English language until 1945.

So what am I doing? I am indeed withdrawing…from my work as a chaplain. But I am not withdrawing from life…hardly! I am envisioning moving toward a place that is less regimented, quieter, lighter, more secluded, less stressful. The truth is that I really do not know what it will be like. To some degree it will be what I make it, but not me only but my wife as well. As Jan continues to work for at least another year in order for us to pay significantly less for medical insurance, my “retirement” will be what we make it. I will be taking over the cooking (prayers are appreciated for her as I have done little cooking since we got married). House and laundry care will be mostly mine as well, and I am looking forward to it…for now anyway. J

I am envisioning this blog as being a place for me to process, to share, to help me move what is inside to the outside where I am more closely examine it. I am not alone, as there are many who have already been here, those who are experiencing the same thing even as I write, and others who have just not gotten here yet.

The Almost But Not Quite Retired Chaplain